


Plotwister: Star Wars

by tppolis



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-23 14:44:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6119736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tppolis/pseuds/tppolis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Was spawned by an enormous burst of creative energy directly following seeing a specific star-wars click and drag combo.</p>
<p>Work of fiction. OC do not steal.</p>
<p>(If you could not tell, this post is extremely satirical)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Plotwister: Star Wars

**Author's Note:**

> (Remember: Work of Satire)

()

 

You hear the familiar hum of a space car pulling up to your home, and as your beloved enters your home you heard those familiar words

"Meesa back!"

 

"Hush JarJar, you'll wake the kids." You wisper to him, rushing over to the door, falling into his welcoming, leathery arms. It was exhausting putting all 20 half gungan, half human children to bed, especially with their raging fungal allergies.

You embrace Jar Jar. Your father said he was going to be coming over this weekend. The great sith lord, Darth Maul. The man had raised you, as well as taught you everything you know. No other kids could boast they had a cooler dad. He was like a space bro to you, with his rockin' body tatoos and his tendency to split your weed with himself.

 

You lead your husband to your sleeping chambers, sitting down on the bed. You didn't know whether you should tell him about the recurring nightmare you have of a little orange wrinkleball killing you in broad daylight. You decide to shrug it off, picking up your lightsaber to polish it

you had greater concerns. The federation was gaining more control over the galaxy. The leader of this quite facist organization was none other than your rival sith lord: Snoke, and his second in command: Donald Trump. Maybe Donald was the orange wrinkle in your dreams, probably not. You always knew you outclassed him in every department that wasn't amassing large armies, but then you thought about how you've already done that with Jarjar

Jarjar sat down next to you, removing your very anime glasses, setting them down on the side-table. "Yousa look some tired, let mesa get yous some-a teas." You were glad you married Jarjar. Not only was he incredibly gorgeous, but he was the most powerful sith lord back in his prime, as well as a good cook.

You aspired to be like him, your light-saber patterned after his own. You lie down on the soft sheets, propping your head up with a few pillows, turning on the space TV.

It looks like old Donald was running to be elected as Space president for the 40th time. He never won any of them, but his very existence made you wish modern medicine didn't prolong the lifetimes of cheetos like donald. You turn off the TV, the disgusting visage vanishing.

You roll over onto your side as Jarjar brings in the space tea. "Here-a sweety. Have-a someof this wonderfulsa teas." You loved his speech impediments. Not that having speech impediments was a good thing to have, you just thought they were cute.

You drank your tea, quickly drifting off to sleep, waking up the next morning. You got out of bed, making sure to not wake Jarjar. It wasn't really hard, his saliva-filled snoring made him hard to wake up in general.

You donned your sith cloak, fastening your lightsaber's hilt to your belt, pulling on some boots that were just laying around. You walked into the kitchen, quickly giving some breakfast to the 13 kids who had already awoken before rushing out into the hangar, hopping on your triangle shaped speeder-ship

You clicked a few buttons, the ship whirring to life. You knew this hunk of junk was getting old, you could actually hear all the airhorns over the engine. But that's okay, after all, you can only hear lasers and explosions in space.

You quickly jig your way over to the space-grocery store orbiting felucia, landing quickly, briskly making your way through the crowds, grabbing a basket for the assorted goods you came to aquire

You walk through the busy area, picking up a few tomatoes, some cheese and broccoli when you notice something rather... embarrassing. You look across the way, seeing your Parent, Mentor and Space Bro. Your dad was leaning up against the wall, wearing some space bell-bottoms and space boots, as well as a space tanktop with the words "Remember 6k83" With a peace symbol. He was holding a giant space boombox over his shoulder, toking a space blunt with the other hand before discarding it, beginning to walk over to his child/student

He leaned in, towering over you at 8', boombox blaring. He removes his 64 pairs of shades before breaking out into dance. "Wh-What are you doing here dad? It's only wednesday!" He turned on a dime, throwing the boombox up in the air and slicing it in half, the parts exploding. "I just couldn't wait to see my precious daughter!"

"It's too bad you won't be seeing her anymore!" You turn around quickly, noticing two figures in the shadows. They slowly walk out, revealing Snoke, brandishing his wand, and Donald Trump, carrying his small loan of a million dollars, as well as a few space henchmen. "We find it very essential that you be erased if our plans are to continue." Maul disappears and reappears in front of you, travelling so fast that his shirt was torn to shreds, his body steaming in a very sugoi manner as he activated his double bladed light-saber. His face was shrouded in the shadows made from the glaring space sun, "Go. I cannot afford to lose my sweet child." He held out his free hand, motioning for you to leave. "But father! I am a Sith Lord! I can assist you against my own enemies!" He turned his head halfway, just enough to look back at his daughter for the last time, "This fight is beyond you, my child. I have no regrets. I will hold them off long enough for you to escape. Then you can find your true path." He force pushed you back towards the door to the hangar as he rushed forward to face Snoke and Trump. "DAD!"

Snoke jumped back onto a henchmen, "Donald, I'll let you handle this one. I need to take out our true target." Snoke jumped off the henchmen's shoulders towards where you were standing, about 50 yards away. Maul turned to strike Snoke until he was barraged by dollar bills. "It's been a while since I've faced your technique Donald," He said as he slashed through the flying bills with much skill, "It was back in your wall-building days."

"That may be true." Donald said, taking what he would call a 'fighting pose', "But that was back when I was weak." He brandished the dollars, revealing the 100's on them, realizing their value. "Now I have an AMAZING RELATIONSHIP WITH CHINA!" Maul stepped back, holding his hand out in front of him, readying a strike with his lightsaber behind him. 'This technique... it isn't a small loan of a million dollars!' He jumped back, unleashing his force push, 'IT'S A MILLION SMALL LOANS OF A MILLION DOLLARS!'

Snoke flew towards you, shouting 'avada kadavra' a bolt of green lightning flying forth from the wand. You activate your lightsaber, blocking the bolt. According to legend, Snoke had appeared after being defeated by a powerful wizard, being banished to this world. You guess that's where he got that scar on his forehead. You turned, shooting some force lightning at him. Direct hit! His body burst into a cloud of smoke, revealing a log. "Substitution Jutsu?" You turn around just in time to block an attack from Snoke. "You can never defeat me, child. For I am the great wizard and sith lord: Snoke!"

"Go!" Maul had only turned for a second before being barraged  by hundreds of hundreds. "GRAH!" Maul turned quickly, slicing through the remaining barrage. "You can't defeat me Donald! Even a million million small loans couldn't beat me!" His tattoos began to recede, a black aura forming around his body, "Hidden technique! Sun Walker!" He appeared before Trump, the air expanding with his rapid movements as he sliced through his adversary, who crumbled into a pile of money. 'A money clone?' Donald stood above Maul in the air, his hand extended. "I have also grown stronger Maul." Darth Maul looked around him, the leaves of hundred dollar bills all splitting into 100 one-dollar bills each. "Special technique: Stripper's Ass!"

Snoke unleashed a barrage of spells as you stood there, blocking them with your lightsaber as you hear the fight behind you. Snoke was underestimating you, and you knew it. You were the daughter of the legendary Darth Maul: Master of 1000 tatoos. Your blood began to run faster, your skin growing red as you flew towards Snoke, filled with determination. You blasted away the spells he shot as you lunge forward, chopping him in half. The top half of him is caught by a henchmen, who quickly runs away. You turn to help your father, horror filling your eyes.

Maul's breathing was heavy, the steam around his body making him sweat. Donald flew back, making a triangle with his hands. "Ultimate Technique: Trump Tower!" The bills quickly formed around Maul in the shape of a tower, pointing at him from every angle, poised to strike. "Go daughter! Before it's too late!" You turn and start running, covering your eyes as tears stream out of them as you hear the millions of dollars fly into your father, the squirsh of blood the last thing you hear before climbing into your ship, barely escaping the violent explosion as the farmer's market is completely destroyed.


End file.
